


Jeongin's Foolproof Guide to Getting Out of Bad Dates

by percentage



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, Drama, Drama & Romance, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, I think I'm funny sometimes, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Texting, basically jeongin uses skz to get out of bad dates, jeongin just wants to find someone cute to date, someone save this boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-23 20:22:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16625810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/percentage/pseuds/percentage
Summary: Somewhere along the line, they’ve appointed themselves as Jeongin’s Bad Date Protection Squad. Jeongin just wants to find The One.





	Jeongin's Foolproof Guide to Getting Out of Bad Dates

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize in advance for my terrible humor and even worse writing, but i really wanted to post this LOL !! no jeongins were harmed during the making of this fic - probably.

Jeongin thinks he’s relatively good-looking.

He’s not _Minho,_ of course, with his perfectly-sculpted features and sparkling eyes, and he’s not Chan, who half the campus has already desperately fallen in love with through the power of his Australian accent and dimples alone, but he’s not _ugly._ He treats his face with the same lukewarm indifference that he treats fashion with, which is to say he has a general understanding that it exists but doesn’t really care about it.

And here are the signs, of course - Jeongin has a small collection of love letters in his bedroom that he doesn’t really know what to do with but doesn’t have the heart to throw away dating all the way back to middle school, hidden in the shoebox underneath his desk so he doesn’t have to think about them. When he went on a trip with some of the other students in his major, he’s _pretty_ sure that one of his friends tried flirting with him.

He’s happy that he’s good-looking. He doesn’t particularly think it’s something to be _sad_ about - being told that he’s handsome and being cooed over is nice, even if Hyunjin disagrees. But for all the good that his pretty eyes and smooth skin do him, Jeongin’s love life is abysmal.

It’s almost funny, actually, how tragic it is.

 _It can’t be that bad,_ Woojin had insisted, and then, once Jeongin had told him everything, _Okay, maybe it is that bad._

It’s all because Jeongin likes eccentricity. _Personality,_ he calls it, which can come in the form of rainbow-dyed hair or an interesting use of slang, but instead of those people, those normally unique people, Jeongin somehow always chooses the Weirdest Ones. His last date invited him to a taxidermy shop for their first outing and wouldn’t stop talking about how romantic it would be to propose to someone by hiding a ring in the stuffing of a fox’s head, and his last date before _that..._ well.

The point is that Jeongin’s _bad_ at romance. He likes to think it’s not his fault, but maybe it is. The universe can’t just be throwing all the bad dates in the world at him, right?

Well - it’s okay. Because he’s found a way to deal with it, sort of.

 

* * *

  

The restaurant feels uncomfortably warm in Jeongin’s suit, but he sits up straight and engages in conversation with Haein nonetheless as they wait for their meal. It’s nice. She’s nice.

She had asked him out the other day in their Music Appreciation class, tucking a strand of her silver-blonde hair behind her ear, and he had only hesitated for a moment before enthusiastically agreeing. Haein is the type of pretty that’s more than just a little bit captivating, with dark lips and darker eyes against her pale skin, and her voice is deep and pleasant to listen to, and Jeongin had thought, _this can’t hurt, right?_

“You know, Jeongin,” Haein interrupts conversationally, “You kind of remind me of my father.”

Jeongin pauses mid-remark, laughing awkwardly, and fiddles with the edges of his suit cuffs, tugging on his sleeve. He can already taste the regret beginning to fill the air. _Please let this be a joke or something. I just want_ one _good date. Please. Anyone. I don’t want to die alone!_ “Um, thank you? I’ll take that as a compliment!”

“No, really,” Haein insists, and leans closer, bending her torso over the table, hand wrapping around Jeongin’s left wrist. Her eyes sweep to his lips, lingering for a second, before her own part by the breadth of a centimeter. “You...really remind me of my father.”

 _What does that mean? No, seriously, what does that mean?_ Jeongin’s mind screams. _This was all going fine!_

“It’s kind of…” she pauses, clearly thinking for a second, “I don’t know. Weird? Don’t you get what I mean?”

The air is charged with tension. Jeongin honestly wants to die.

“Excuse me,” a new voice says. He immediately latches onto the distraction, before making contact with their water, who looks supremely uncomfortable, shifting their weight from one foot to the other. “Uh, yeah, hi. I was wondering what you guys would like to drink?”

 

* * *

 

  **gc: lost ‘n found**

[fennec furry] help

[fennec furry] she told me i reminded her of her dad and started smiling

[fennec furry] what does that MEAN

[fennec furry] guys please help shes holding my hand and leaning over the table i dont understand im typing this with one hand the waiter is looking at us really weirdly as we order i don’t know what to do

 

[the only minnie that matters] OMW :) YOU’RE AT THE FANCY RESTAURANT NEAR CAMPUS, RIGHT

 

[fennec furry] yeah but wdym omw

[fennec furry] wait

 

[the only minnie that matters] DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT

[the only minnie that matters] RUN OUT OF THE RESTAURANT AS SOON AS YOU CAN

[the only minnie that matters] I’LL TAKE CARE OF THE BILL

[the only minnie that matters] sorry, caps lock

 

[fennec furry] WAIT

[fennec furry] minho

[fennec furry] what does that MEAN

 

* * *

  

The door to the restaurant bangs open, patrons murmuring in annoyed disapproval. Jeongin doesn’t pay any attention to it at first, too preoccupied with trying to dodge Haein’s advances. But -

 _“I’m in labor!”_ someone shrieks loudly, and then there’s the noise of someone dropping a tray, or a glass, and something shattering. _“Oh my god, the cramps - oh my god, oh my god, it hurts_ so _much - “_

Jeongin freezes.

Haein is so surprised by the outburst that she actually lets him go, and Jeongin quickly inches to the edge of the booth, but his mind is elsewhere.

He knows that voice.

He knows that deep, clearly _masculine_ voice. He would recognize it anywhere. He’s heard it whine over countless nights about how early the dance studio opens and how he has to practice _so much_ and turn sharper when he has to scrutinize Felix’s dancing or turn mellow and sleazy when he flirts with someone.

It’s Minho’s voice. God, of course it’s Minho’s voice.

_This isn’t what I meant when I asked for help!_

_“Oh my god,”_ Minho moans on the floor, writhing in fake agony. God, Jeongin can _see_ him now - “I can feel the baby coming, oh my god - “  
  
Some patrons are whispering furiously amongst themselves, unsure of what to do with the strange man who just came in and threw himself on the floor. Jeongin stands up, powerless to stop this strange alien specimen, and sits back down. Minho continues to pretend to give birth, but his eyes catch on Jeongin for a second, and his eyes narrow in a glare, jerking his chin near-imperceptibly towards the door. _Go!_

“Sorry, gotta - “ Jeongin says to Haein, but she’s not listening to him, weirdly fascinated with Minho, and Jeongin closes his mouth, nodding to himself, and just stands up, sliding out of the booth. He discreetly fixes his suit and edges toward the door, feeling distinctly embarrassed on Minho’s behalf.

“The _pain!”_ Minho howls. There’s a woman holding Minho’s hand now, telling him to push.

Jeongin takes one more look back, comes to a silent conclusion, and runs the rest of his way out.

 

* * *

 

 **gc:** **lost ‘n found**

 

[the only minnie that matters] you owe me

 

[fennec furry] look i didnt ASK u to come and pretend 2 be giving birth

 

[grizzly bear] wait...what did i miss

 

[the only minnie that matters] what?

[the only minnie that matters] omfg jeongin that’s not what i was talking about

[the only minnie that matters] you owe me for the bill

[the only minnie that matters] i had to cover the food for you and haein and she kept on eating even after i did my thing and u left lmao

 

[grizzly bear] what the fuck happened when i was gone

 

* * *

 

 _Try two,_ Jeongin thinks.

He’s with Suyoung this time, someone he had carefully mulled over asking out before he actually asked her out. Suyoung is nice. She’s kind of shy, but she wears spiky six-inch heels to class and she’s passionate and fiery about topics that she really cares about, and the contrast is kind of stunning. They’re at the mall, just walking around, and Jeongin doesn’t think he’d rather be anywhere else.

She’s _so_ nice. She’s not making any weird comments - just popping in and out of stores, always asking Jeongin worriedly if he’s tired or whether she’s taking too long to decide on an outfit, asking him about his life and what he likes while letting herself share more about herself, too. There’s no flaw to be seen anywhere about their date, and Jeongin feels his heart lift with hope.

_She really might be The One. The one person who I can go on a decent date with. The one person who actually gets to a second date._

“Can we stop in there?” Suyoung asks, breaking him out of his thoughts. He glances at the store that she’s looking at - a pet shop. There’s the faint sound of barking dogs. “I really want to look at the puppies!”

Jeongin barely thinks twice before he agrees. What could go wrong, after all? They’re in a _pet shop._

  

* * *

 

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[fennec furry] so

[fennec furry] i think i just got proposed to

[fennec furry] um

[fennec furry] can someone help

[fennec furry] please hurry

 

_fennec furry has shared their location._

 

[sungie cheeks] OMG IS THIS ABT YOUR DATE

[sungie cheeks] I HAVE TO GO

[sungie cheeks] MINHO TOLD ME ALL ABT WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME LOL

[sungie cheeks] im going to beat him at this LOL

 

[fennec furry] jisung

[fennec furry] wait

[fennec furry] JISUNG NO

 

[the only minnie that matters] ugh i hate that i’m in class

[the only minnie that matters] i would have paid to see what jisung’s doing lmao

[the only minnie that matters] _@walmart ver. batman_ hey changbin if you’re with jisung can you record it for me

 

* * *

  

“Jeongin, get off your phone,” Suyoung says for the fourth time. “Just buy me the puppy.”

“I can’t,” Jeongin responds, apologetic. “Uh. I can’t, literally - I can’t keep it anywhere or take proper care of it. I’m sorry, Suyoung.”

“Marriages are all about compromises,” Suyoung insists, frowning. She cradles a puppy to her chest. “I don’t think you’re trying to commit to me as much as you should be, Jeongin. Stop acting like this - it’s not attractive at all.”  
  
“I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” Jeongin laughs nervously, inching away. “Since when were we married?”

 _“You asked me out first!”_ she says shrilly, clearly upset. Jeongin would feel bad if he weren’t so scared. The pet store employee flinches. “Are you just playing with my heart? Is this just a game to you?”  
  
“What? No!”  
  
“Then prove it! Buy me the puppy.”

“I can’t!” Jeongin protests, now fully fed up. “I _told_ you I can’t - this is so manipulative!”

“Is _this_ where you’ve been, Jeongin? Playing with some...some girl?” a new voice accuses Jeongin, shaky with tears. Jeongin knows who it is without turning around. His heart plummets down to his stomach. _Jisung._

“Jisung,” he groans, turning around.

Suyoung’s voice lowers in volume by a fraction, glancing between the two suspiciously. “Do you know him? Who is he to you?”  
  
_“Jeongin!”_ Jisung wails, stumbling over and faceplanting into Jeongin’s chest. “You told me she was _your_ kid!”

“What,” Jeongin says blankly. His brain makes the Windows start-up sound.

“If she was yours, why did those people show up on my doorstep, huh?” Jisung demands, continuing to sob into Jeongin’s shirt. “I _trusted_ you! You told me that I could be her mother, and I _believed_ you. I grew attached, and then _you let them take her away from me.”_

“S-she _was_ mine,” Jeongin protests weakly, trying to play along. Suyoung watches the both of them, jaw hanging open. “Uh. She was my kid! She was my _baby._ You’re my baby, too, Jisung!”  
  
“Then why did you do this,” Jisung hisses, eyes flying open. He stands up straight, grabbing Jeongin by the collar. _“Why.”_  
  
Jeongin stays silent, truly and wholly baffled.

“You _know_ what abandonment does to me!” Jisung says, threateningly shaking Jeongin. The words pour out of his mouth in quick succession, clear and distinct. “After being aware of the untimely demise of my father, my mother, my grandfather, my grandmother, my aunt, my uncle, my godfather, my godmother, my half-sister, my quarter-brother, and my sixth-step-sibling, you _still_ let them take someone else away from me?”  
  
“You sound like you’re rapping,” Jeongin says dazedly.

“Get out!” Jisung screams, letting go of him. “Get out of my sight!”

Jeongin gets to his feet and stumbles a couple steps away, saying something apologetic to Suyoung. He doesn’t really know - mostly he’s just stunned. And flustered.

“You have a kid,” Suyoung says emptily in response, staring off into space. “You have a...daughter? Are you in the mafia?”

“Yeah, I don’t really think this is going to work out,” Jeongin decides, a little bit of clarity returning to him, and decides to make a break for it. The sounds of Jisung having a fake-breakdown in the middle of the pet shop chase him on his way out.

 

* * *

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[walmart ver. batman] hey

[walmart ver. batman] got it

[walmart ver. batman] _video file attached_

 

[fennec furry] YOU WERE THERE?

 

[walmart ver. batman] yeah

 

[fennec furry] WHY DIDNT U TELL HAN TO STOP

 

[walmart ver. batman] it was funny lol

[walmart ver. batman] binnie doesn’t like fighting anyway ~ (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

 

[fennec furry] never talk to me again

[fennec furry] everyone is dead to me

 

[dandy boy seungmin :)] cute!

[dandy boy seungmin :)] i saved the video! :)

 

* * *

 

Study dates can’t go terribly. There’s no way for a study date to go terribly. They’re just studying. There just _isn’t_ be a way for a study date to go wrong.

And his friends can’t even pull something embarrassing this time when he asks for help _if_ in the unlikely event something goes wrong - they can just come in, drag him out, and he can apologize to his date the day after, because they can’t make a scene in the library.

See? Foolproof.

That’s what he thinks, anyway, seated next to Hyungseok. They’re carefully flipping through the pages of their textbooks, occasionally whispering to each other and sharing secret smiles. Hyungseok is basically the cooler version of Changbin - which is to say that he’s a bad boy with a soft heart that’s just proficient at _everything._ They should really replace Changbin with Hyungseok.

“What did you get for number 27?” Hyungseok asks gently, nudging Jeongin’s hand. “I want to know.”  
  
“Oh, twelve,” Jeongin responds automatically, smiling back.

“Cool,” Hyungseok nods, looking at his sheet of paper. “We’re about almost done, then - do you want to take a break? We can talk to each other and learn more about each other. This _is_ a date, right?”  
  
“Oh, yeah, sure,” Jeongin stumbles over his words, and then nods, trying to sound more confident and less swept-off-his-feet than he actually is. “I mean, sure!”

“Okay,” Hyungseok says, amused. “I’ll start. I was born and raised in Busan, but I moved to Seoul when I was sixteen years old to…”

 

* * *

  

“...and my twice-removed cousin actually owns a sheep farm in Germany, let me tell you all about it - the architecture is really quite amazing, it dates back to the early 18th century, but takes inspiration from…”

 

* * *

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[fennec furry] it happened again

[fennec furry] hes been talking about himself for the last hr n a half literally. he hasnt even taken a break or anything and he hasnt even drank water

[fennec furry] he doesnt even notice im texting

 

[grizzly bear] i keep on telling you to let us check out ur dates b4hand but u never let us

[grizzly bear] RID

 

[fennec furry] RID?

 

[grizzly bear] rolling in disappointment

 

[world’s okayest daddy] woojin don’t be too hard on him :[

 

[the only minnie that matters] yeah, he can’t help it if he’s moronsexual

 

[world’s okayest daddy] jeongin im on my way

 

[walmart ver. batman] chan r u coming

 

[world’s okayest daddy] yeah im walking to the library

[world’s okayest daddy] why

 

[walmart ver. batman] i’ll tell u when u get there

[walmart ver. batman] check by the front desk

 

[fennec furry] whats near the front desk

[fennec furry] GUYS

* * *

  

“Jeongin, I thought we had an appointment fifteen minutes ago.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jeongin said, trying to figure out what Changbin was supposed to be. _Appointment..._ was he a teacher? Or a dentist? But why would a dentist be visiting him at the library? Did Changbin even know anything about teeth? “Uh. I’m on a date? I’m sorry that I missed our appointment.”  
  
“What’s more important?” Changbin asks, raising an unimpressed eyebrow. “Your sugar daddy, or your date?”  
  
Jeongin feels the blood drain from his face. _My what?_

“Jeongin,” Hyungseok turns to him. “Jeongin, what’s he talking about?”  
  
“You don't know what a sugar daddy is?” Changbin asks, voice thick with disdain. He spares Hyungseok a single glance and scoffs. “Him? Seriously?”  
  
“What’s wrong with me?” Hyungseok asks, defensive. “At least I don’t dress in all black like a teenager going through their emo phase in 2006.”

“Excuse me?” Changbin asks dangerously, eyes narrowing in a glare. He tugs on the collar of his leather jacket. “This is worth more than your yearly income - I mean, if you have any income, that is.”  
  
The two stare at each other for a second.

“Jeongin, let’s go,” Hyungseok commands, standing up. “We don’t need to deal with this."  
  
“Hold on,” Changbin says, raising his voice. “He can make his own decisions, regardless of whether I’m his sugar daddy or not.”  
  
“You’re not his daddy,” a new voice contests. “I am.”  
  
Jeongin doesn’t want to look. (He looks anyway.)

It’s Chan, artfully dressed up in what looks like Changbin’s clothes on second glance, eyeliner dark around his eyes and protective aura practically radiating off of him.

“You’re his other sugar daddy?” Changbin asks Chan skeptically, eyes flickering over Chan’s frame. He smirks. “Ha. As if. Jeongin would never let someone like _you_ near him, right, Jeonginnie?"  
  
“Jeongin, darling, tell him,” Chan says, not taking his eyes off of Changbin. “I paid for your mother’s funeral, didn’t I? And your stepfather’s!”

“No, that can’t be, because _I_ paid for both of them!” Changbin contests, crossing his arms. “I also paid for the annual parade commemorating his hamster’s death, you _fake.”_

“Why do you think I’m a fake?” Chan frowns, disapproval radiating off of him. He swings an arm around Jeongin’s shoulders, effortlessly pulling him away from his date. “Jeongin loves me.”  
  
“Because Jeongin promised me he only had _one_ sugar daddy! I don't ask anything of him in return - there's no reason he would want  _you!"_

“I’m not his sugar daddy,” Chan says suddenly, deadly serious. He turns around woodenly to face Jeongin, patting him on the head robotically. He closes his eyes, leading up to some unknown emotional climax. “I’m...his real father.”

Someone gasps loudly. The librarian drops her thermos.

“I wanted to spoil him,” Chan proclaims loudly, “Because I was _never there for him!”_  
  
“Oh my god,” Jeongin says, thoroughly exhausted. “Oh my god.”

“And I know,” Chan continues, impassioned, “That I can never make up for the scars I left on him, but if materialistic things make his life easier, then I will pay for anything he ever wants without asking him for anything in return! I have no excuse. I am a terrible father. But...at the very least...I want to be a good daddy!”

 _What the fuck,_ Jeongin very wisely does not say. Hyungseok looks like he's going to scream.

 

* * *

 

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[sungie cheeks] _video file attached_

[sungie cheeks] WE SHOULD PSOT THESE

[sungie cheeks] WE’D BE BILLIONAIRES

[sungie cheeks] WHO AGREES W/ME

 

[world’s okayest daddy] will it pay off my student debt

 

[the only minnie that matters] that’s not the question you should be asking, you shitty father

[the only minnie that matters] you should be asking,

[the only minnie that matters] “will this make jeongin’s life easier in exchange for the hardships i let him go through?”

[the only minnie that matters] or were those just pretty lies

 

[grizzly bear] thats right

[grizzly bear] you haven’t even been paying your child support

[grizzly bear] as jeongin’s parents that were actually there for him, minho and i are very disappointed

[grizzly bear] :/

 

[dancing queen] he use :/ !

[dancing queen] *used

[dancing queen] that’s how you know its serious

[dancing queen] *it’s

 

[world’s okayest daddy] i apologize deeply for my actions

[world’s okayest daddy] i will act more delicately in the future

 

[jinhyun] this is why you’re just the world’s “okayest” daddy

 

* * *

 

 

 _Sushi bar,_ Jeongin thinks desperately. _Let’s go to the sushi bar._

He’s sitting next to Jieun, casually chatting about their professors as they eat. Jieun smiles, but it seems a little uncomfortable - her eyes constantly flicker to the doors, as if she’s ready to make a run for it at any time. Maybe she’s afraid of bad dates, too.

“Yeah,” she says softly, tapping her perfectly-manicured nails on the counter. “I was having a really hard time dealing with all the finances required to go to university and live on my own, but...it all just worked out recently, you know?”

She offers him a shy smile, twisting the oversized ruby ring on her finger. Jeongin glances at it out of sheer instinct for a second, before returning to the conversation.

“It must have been stressful,” he says sympathetically.

“Yes,” she agrees, and then flushes pink. “I’m sorry, I don’t know if I told you before, but...you’re very handsome.”  
  
“Um, thank you,” Jeongin says, embarrassed despite himself, but his cheeks tinge pink with a pleased glow. “I think you’re very pretty, too.”

“Hardly,” she laughs behind a hand, but seems to relax. “Anyway, I’m glad I met you. After I did that to my a - after my aunt’s death, I was really looking for someone to help anchor me. I’m glad it was you, Jeongin.”  
  
“What happened to your aunt?”  
  
“Hmm?” Jieun asks absently, and then straightens up. She’s still playing with her ring. “Oh, she died. Arsenic poisoning. We were really close - that’s how I was able to pay off my bills, you know? She left me as one of the main benefactors of her will after she died, I was there when she - “

“Oh,” Jeongin echoes. He’s beginning to have a bad feeling about this.  
  
“Please don’t tell anyone,” she says suddenly, rushing over her words. “No one is supposed to - I mean, I’m not ready to tell anyone else yet, and…”  
  
“Of course not,” Jeongin says, and tries to smile. “Um. I need to go to the bathroom for a second.”

“As long as you don’t tell anyone,” she says, and it sounds like a threat. “Come back quickly.”

 

* * *

 

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[jinhyun] jeongin ur online?

[jinhyun] it happened again right lol

 

[fennec furry] stop!

[fennec furry] just come over already

[fennec furry] DONT PULL ANYTHING EMBARRASSING

[fennec furry] why can’t you guys be like you used to and just take me out of my dates without doing anything stupid :(

 

[dancing queen] but this fun !

[dancing queen] *is fun

[dancing queen] but this is fun !

 

[fennec furry] it isnt fun to me!

[fennec furry] someone already came up to me on campus and asked me all serious where they could get a sugar daddy

 

[jinhyun] u should have snapchatted it

[jinhyun] anyway whats it this time

 

[fennec furry] i think she killed her aunt to get the money from her will

[fennec furry] even if she didnt shes kind of scary

 

[dandy boy seungmin :)] baby lol

[dandy boy seungmin :)] cute

[dandy boy seungmin :)] jinnie you should go you’re closest

 

[the only minnie that matters] use kabedon !

 

[fennec furry] minho NO

 

[dancing queen] ₩10,000 !

[dancing queen] do it !

 

[jinhyun]

 

[fennec furry] hyunjin you can’t be considering this

 

[jinhyun] i’m sorry jeongin

[jinhyun] i need the money

 

* * *

 

 

Jeongin knows the exact moment that Hyunjin walks in, because approximately one-third of the patrons collectively let out a sigh. Hyunjin lets out a laugh, dropping into the seat next to Jeongin, and Jieun’s eyes flicker up for a second before she lets out a quiet gasp.

Unwillingly, Jeongin looks at his friend - and wrinkles his nose. Hyunjin’s still sweaty from dance practice, white shirt sticking to his skin, and has an annoyingly apologetic smile on his face. _Kabedon!_ Like hell Jeongin’s going to let Hyunjin do that.

“Hyunjin,” he says warningly, “Step away from me.”  
  
“You know him?” Jieun says, a little breathily. “Can you introduce us?”

“He’s lame,” Jeongin says, temporarily forgetting he wanted to get away from Jieun in the first place. “Don’t talk to him.”

“Don’t be mean to me,” Hyunjin says lightly. He smiles at Jieun pleasantly, but Jeongin can see the hidden awkwardness behind it. Hyunjin is so _bad_ at acting. “Anyway, what’re you doing here?”  
  
“On a date,” Jeongin explains, which feels really weird, because Hyunjin already knows.

“Right,” Hyunjin says slowly, and then, more confidently, “Right. You told me about that already, babe. How’s it going?”  
  
_Babe?_

“It’s going...well,” Jeongin says slowly. “Uh.”  
  
“Good to hear,” Hyunjin says cheerfully, winking at Jieun. “Sorry, just forgot for a second, I’m really sorry about that - I mean, I knew we were trying to meet the person that we were potentially adding to our relationship today, but I didn’t know that meant _today,_ you know?”  
  
“Your relationship?” Jieun asks, interested.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin answers for Jeongin, wrapping an arm around his waist so that he can kiss Jeongin’s cheek. “Our relationship.”  
  
_Our what._

“Today’s our anniversary, actually,” Hyunjin carries on. He gives Jeongin a devastating smile, mildly-damp hair artfully sweeping into his eyes, and tucks a stray lock of hair behind his ear. A girl at another table lets out a sigh, her eyes fluttering shut. “I was afraid you forgot, honestly.”

“I didn’t,” Jeongin says robotically. “Ha. Ha.”  
  
“You okay?” Hyunjin says, leaning in “worriedly.”  
  
“Yes,” Jeongin says. “Yes. I am okay.”  
  
“I don’t think you are,” Hyunjin says, getting to his feet, and pulls Jeongin to his own, too. “Let me take your temperature.”  
  
“You don’t know how to,” Jeongin retorts. At least arguing with Hyunjin is normal. He can focus on that. Yes. “Just let me go - “  
  
His back slams against the wall of the restaurant as he’s flipped around, Hyunjin locking him in place with an arm, and Hyunjin stares back at him awkwardly, free hand pressing against Jeongin’s forehead. Jeongin’s back kind of hurts - oh, yup, there’s the pain settling in. _Goddamnit, the kabedon -_

“I diagnose you with chronic kneecap cancer,” Hyunjin announces, and scoops him up in his arms, stumbling with the newfound weight. Ha! “Uh, I gotta carry you out so we can get to the hospital. Sorry about this, Jikyung - I need to go save a life.”

 

* * *

 

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[the only minnie that matters] hyunjin did the worst

 

[grizzly bear] yeah i agree

 

[the world’s okayest daddy] yeah me too

 

[dandy boy seungmin :)] yeah

 

[jinhyun] whatever  
[jinhyun] i got ₩10,000 so who’s the real winner here

 

[fennec furry] you deserve to rot

 

[walmart ver. batman] seungmin

[walmart ver. batman] woojin

[walmart ver. batman] we’ll be expecting great things

[walmart ver. batman] don’t let us down

 

[jinhyun] why didn’t you say felix? he hasn’t done anything yet either

 

[walmart ver. batman] because i know he would never disappoint me

 

[fennec furry] okay but what if i dont NEED any of you to embarrass me again

[fennec furry] what if i just have a good date

 

[the only minnie that matters] so who’s gonna be the one who tells him

 

[grizzly bear] jeongin, you’re cursed

[grizzly bear] you just have to live with it

[grizzly bear] don’t worry, we’ll always be here for you

 

* * *

 

 

Jaekwang asks him out on a movie date.

There’s a new comedy out - something that’s supposed to be really good, according to Jaekwang’s friends. The difference between this and Jeongin’s other dates is that Jaekwang is a Good Guy. Jaekwang was already friends with Jeongin before he asked him out, and that’s why Jeongin trusts him enough to say yes.

“Before we do anything,” Jeongin starts out, a little nervously, “I’ve been on a lot of bad first dates before, so I’m sorry if I’m a little paranoid during our date.”  
  
“Oh, don’t worry,” Jaekwang assures him as they walk into the movie, ten minutes before it starts - “I had a ton of bad dates, too. We can be paranoid together! What’s important is that we try our best to enjoy ourselves, right?”  
  
“Right,” Jeongin breathes out, relieved. “I’m really glad you understand.”  
  
“Actually,” Jaekwang says, tilting his head as they take their seats, “You actually remind me of someone. Soohyun. Did I tell you about her? She was a business major at our college, two years older than us,  and our first date was so crazy.”  
  
“Really,” Jeongin says, a little despairing. _It’s happening, isn’t it? It’s definitely happening. My curse is taking effect now._

“Really!” Jaekwang exclaims, a little too loud. “Let me tell you about it. So I showed up to her place exactly at 6:59PM - wait, let me explain why I had to be there at that exact time. Okay, so, when we were both in high school, I - wait, let me explain how we knew each other in high school! We were in the same neighborhood, you see, and my mother - you’ll love my mother - knew…”

* * *

 

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[fennec furry] i hate this

 

[dancing queen] hat ?

[dancing queen] *wat ?

[dancing queen] *what ?

 

[dandy boy seungmin :)] another bad date lol?

 

[fennec furry] he keeps on talking about his other dates and exes on our date

 

[dandy boy seungmin :)] huh

 

[dancing queen] should we come over ?

 

[fennec furry] not if you’re going to do smth embarrassing

 

[dancing queen] no !

 

[fennec furry] i dont trust u guys anymore

 

[dancing queen] :(

 

[dandy boy seungmin :)] look to your right

 

[fennec furry] WHY ARE YOU GUYS ALREADY HERE

 

[dandy boy seungmin :)] to watch the movie obvs

 

* * *

 

 

“And have I told you about Inguk yet? Inguk always liked styling his hair with mousse that smelled like coconut - he would always choose this specific brand that cost five dollars and seventy-eight cents. I remember that like it was yesterday - “  
  
“FBI,” a deep voice interrupts in English. _“Put your hands where we can see them.”_  
  
Jeongin nearly cries with relief, before he quickly grows offended. Why is Felix speaking English? Doesn’t he know no one can understand him? Why is he pretending to be part of the FBI?

“He said, ‘put your hands up where we can see them’,” another familiar voice cheerfully chimes in. Their voices are hushed to fit in the movie theater, but already, the quartet have begun to attract attention. Seungmin poses back-to-back with Felix, taking out fake FBI badges. “We’re with the American FBI. Please remain quiet.”  
  
“What?” Jaekwang asks incredulously, laughing. “Is this some type of joke? Hey, Jeongin, are these your friends?”  
  
“No,” Jeongin says, hoping that the ground will swallow him whole. “I’ve never seen them in my life.”

 _“Sir,”_ Felix addresses Jaekwang in English, _“The man you are currently associating with is charged with thirteen different counts of murder and grand larceny.”_

Dutifully, Seungmin translates, “Jeongin’s charged with 13 murders and grand larceny. We advise that you get away from him right now. This is not a joke, Jung Jaekwang.”  
  
“You can’t be serious,” Jaekwang says, a little more unsteadily. “Let me see your IDs.”

“You want to see our IDs?” Felix asks in low, gravelly Korean, purposefully adopting the deepest tone he has. Seungmin nods behind him like a bobblehead. He raises an eyebrow, face half-shadowed in the darkness of the movie theater. “This isn’t a joke, you know.”  
  
“Yang Jeongin,” Seungmin says, holding out a pair of handcuffs that mysteriously appeared out of thin air, “You’re under arrest.”  
  
“Wait,” Jaekwang says, a little desperately, “Who did he kill?”  
  
“Hmm?” Seungmin asks, halfway through tugging Jeongin out of his seat, and sends a careless glance back. “Well, I’m not at liberty to say who exactly, but he was charged with the murders of his ex-boyfriends and one husband. Seems like you dodged a bullet there.”

_“He what?”_

 

* * *

 

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[fennec furry] i can’t believe i can’t go see movies anymore bc of u guys

 

[dancing queen] <3

 

* * *

 

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[fennec furry] im going on a date today

[fennec furry] dont follow me unless i ask for help explicitly

 

[grizzly bear] WFWU will

 

[fennec furry] wfwu

 

[grizzly bear] waiting for when you

 

[fennec furry] :(

 

* * *

 

 

It goes _great._

The whole date does, actually. Kangyoon makes him feel comfortable, laughing at his jokes, and swaps a few of his own with Jeongin. He eats well and makes good conversation, and Jeongin never feels like he’s getting left behind. They’re walking home - Kangyoon offered to get him back to his dorm - and just staying with each other in companionable silence, when Kangyoon clears his throat.

“Listen,” Kangyoon starts, smiling at Jeongin. “I wanted to tell you something.”

“Yeah?” Jeongin asks curiously.

“If we’re going to go on a second date,” Kangyoon starts, “Which I really hope we do - I want to tell you a couple of things. I wanted to start with - well, our date now.”  
  
Jeongin makes a small, questioning noise.

“The thing is,” Kangyoon starts, gesturing at Jeongin, “I think I’ve been a really good sport about it throughout our whole date, and it’s fine for our first date and all, but if we’re going to be boyfriends, I think you should dress better.”  
  
“Um,” Jeongin says, and: “What?”

“Yeah,” Kangyoon says evenly. “You - this is just a personal criticism, but - can you laugh more quietly? You laugh _really_ loudly, and it’s kind of annoying...”

* * *

 

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[fennec fox] i hate this guy

[fennec fox] come save me

 

[grizzly bear] running to you right now

 

[fennec fox] you’re the only one i can trust :(

 

[the only minnie that matters] his dad sense is so good

[the only minnie that matters] unlike jeongin’s game

 

[sungie cheeks] LOL

 

* * *

 

 

“Stop!” a small, tinny voice yells. “Stop what you’re doing!”  
  
“What?” Kangyoon pauses mid-sentence, looking around. “Did you hear that?”  
  
“Yeah - it sounded like it came from that direct…” Jeongin trails off. The direction of the C Dorms. _The direction of Woojin’s dorms._ “Uh, didn’t it come from that guy?”  
  
Kangyoon whips around, only to take a few shocked steps back as he comes face-to-face with an angry, sweaty Woojin. Jeongin can’t blame him. This might be his first time seeing Woojin glare at anyone, and he can’t stop staring. It’s like seeing an ice cube on fire - it wasn’t meant to exist.

“Are you on a date with him, _Yang Jeongin?”_  
_  
_ “You _know_ him?” Kangyoon demands. Jeongin is beginning to get really tired of that question. “You can’t know him if we’re dating - what type of weirdos do you hang out with?”

“You can’t date him,” Woojin says angrily, cutting him off. He raises his hand, as if he’s about to slap him. “I’m his husband. We’ve been married for eighteen years.”  
  
_“Eighteen years -_ what the fuck? Do you expect me to believe that? Jeongin’s twenty!”  
  
“Is _that_ what he told you?” Woojin laughs incredulously, pulling out his wallet and shoving it in Kangyoon’s face. _“This_ is his real face, before he had plastic surgery on his fiftieth birthday. Here- this is his birth certificate, too. You want to know what he did to me?”  
  
“Woojin, please,” Jeongin tries, already feeling lightheaded. How old is he, in pretend-Woojin’s head? Does he have kids? Why is he even thinking about this?  
  
_“Don’t ‘Woojin, please’ me!_ You snatched me out of my cradle for my smooth, supple skin,” Woojin wails, sinking to his knees. Jeongin watches him in horror and mild awe as Woojin proceeds to cry into his hands, palms actually coming away wet and shiny as he wipes at his eyes. “I know the truth, Jeongin! I wasted my entire youth on you. You promised me everything! You said that you would love me forever! But this is what you do?”  
  
“Woojin, I’m sorry!” Jeongin cries out desperately. Woojin is probably the best actor out of them so far, actually, and Jeongin’s actually invested in his role now - convinced, by some crazy force, to follow along. He falls down, trying to capture Woojin’s hands in his own. “I won’t do it again. You have my word. I didn’t know what to do after the loss of our daughter after she became one of Seoul’s most prominent con women, and I started seeing other men, pretending to be a university student!”  
  
“How old _are you?”_ Kangyoon interrogates, sounding genuinely upset and afraid. “Are you...are you trying to date me for my ‘smooth, supple skin’ too? I won’t let you!”

“I’m…” Jeongin looks up from Woojin’s sobbing to meet Kangyoon’s eyes, pausing for dramatic effect. “I’m seventy-two. I’m sorry I kept it a secret from you, but please don’t tell anyone else.”  
  
Kangyoon looks like he’s going to be ill.

“We can work this out!” Jeongin pleads, reaching out for Kangyoon. “Woojin and I can work this out. We can adopt you or something - you can have my inheritance after I die! My plastic surgery ate up my retirement fund, but I can work! It’s not that weird for us to be in a relationship if we’re in the same household, right?”  
  
“Oh my god,” Kangyoon says faintly, and faints.

Woojin stops crying just to watch him collapse. Jeongin freaks out.  
  
“Woojin, we just killed a man!”  
  
“Oh no,” Woojin says, almost to himself, and shakes his head, pulling his phone out. He wipes absently at his wet eyes, standing up. “I hate it when this happens.”

_“This has happened before?”_

“Oh, that’s right, you’re here,” Woojin says, glancing at Jeongin like he had forgotten he existed, and patted the younger on the head. “Don’t worry too much about it. Chan’s on his way with Changbin - we’ll drive him home. Can you get back to your dorms?”  
  
“Woojin,” Jeongin says, gaping at him, “Are you the same guy that told me gummy bears had feelings?”

Woojin smiles serenely back.

 

* * *

 

 

**gc: lost ‘n found**

 

[dandy boy seungmin :)] yeehaw

 

[dancing queen] yeehaw

 

[jinhyun] yeehaw

 

[grizzly bear] jeongin’s back

 

[world’s okayest daddy] thank god!

 

[fennec furry] hi

 

[world’s okayest daddy] so

[world’s okayest daddy] wanna talk about your date?

 

[fennec fox] not rlly

[fennec fox] :(

 

[the only minnie that matters] it’s okay you don’t have to talk about kangyoon

 

[fennec fox] that’s weirdly considerate

 

[the only minnie that matters] no one cared about him in the first place lol

[the only minnie that matters] tell me what woojin did that scared him off

[the only minnie that matters] i was flirting with him to try to figure out what happened and he took one look at my face and asked me how old i really was

 

[fennec fox] ask woojin

 

[the only minnie that matters] :(

**Author's Note:**

> find me at my [twitter](https://twitter.com/beejiheons) or, if you just want to drop a message, my [curiouscat!](https://curiouscat.me/beejiheons)


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